Big brother is watching you. And so is big sister. Uncle Henry's in on the act, too. It's getting hard to go anywhere without running into a nut with a video camera of some sort.

A typical daycare music recital looks more like a press conference than a kid’s program. The presidential candidates would give up half of their remaining brain cells for the kind of video coverage those toddlers get. Maybe the Constitution should be changed to limit nominees to candidates who can belt out I'm A Little Teapot off key.

Most of the camcorders are run by men. This goes back to the traditional male role which was established in the distant past when human beings lived in caves instead of suburbs. Prehistoric women stayed at the cave and cared for the children while their mates wandered the plains tracking and video taping animals...

When I got a note in the mail saying I needed to renew my driver's license, I wasn't worried. After all, I've been driving since I was sixteen. All I had to do was take a quick written exam, get a bad picture taken, and I'd be done. Right?

When I got to the DMV, my immediate thought was, "WOW! Lookit all the people...they must be giving away thousand dollar bills inside."

I was wrong. Inside, I found twenty-two service windows, two employees and a line which appeared to contain the entire population of Ogallala, Nebraska. I took my place at the end.

Grimly, like Soviets waiting five hours for the chance to buy half a roll of industrial-grade toilet paper, we stood in line. Unlike the Russians, we weren't relieved when we got to the front of the queue.......

For the first time in twenty-five years I have a new hairstyle. For a quarter century I've been faithful to a basic short-bangs, parted-on-the-right, square-backed haircut. It was a simple look; a serious look; a look that said, "I’m clueless about fashion."

If they had named my hairstyle, it would have been called The Republican.

Some masculine hairstyles are named for the people who made them popular like The Caesar or The Donald. (One is a famous tyrant and the other was a Roman Emperor.) My new do with it’s short-back-and-sides and gelled bangs that stick out should be called The Richie Rich after the famous comic-book character.

When I got that first good look at myself in the mirror in the salon, all I could think was, "What have I done?" and "Will my wife like it?"......

It's June and I think we all know what that means ... endless summer reruns of cop shows we didn’t watch, comedies we didn’t watch, and (or course) the interminable political debates that we’re still not watching.

Fortunately, the annual glut of June weddings gives an amusing diversion from the relentless, wall-to-wall election coverage. Like all newlyweds these poor folks are probably getting that that most common of wedding gifts; unsolicited advice.

I, myself, was given at least two metric tons worth of advice that I didn’t ask for. The trouble with advice is that -- unlike an extra Salad Shooter or spare blender -- you can’t exchange it for something more useful. You just have to take it or toss it aside. (Hint: People who give you advice really want to see you use it. So, when you toss it aside, do so quietly and in a dark alley where they won’t be able to see you.)......

At this very moment a hidden crisis is raging out of control across the United States. It is a shortage of gigantic proportions; an epidemic that touches millions of lives. The problem? A complete, and devastating lack of clues.

In cities ranging from Albany to Barstow and all of the letters in-between, men, women, and children are getting up without a clue; going about their daily lives without a clue; and finally falling into bed at night without a clue. In short, they are all clueless.

Here at the CummingsCo Research Laboratories, we are committed to the fight against cluelessness. Teams of dedicated scientists and engineers have pledged their efforts to develop cutting-edge technology to stem the tide of cluelessness; technology which will improve the lives of Mr. and Mrs. America; technology which we will sell direct to you at reasonable prices......